Stop telling your kids they can do anything they put their mind to...

Skip the identity crisis and give them a massive head start.

Photo by Tanaphong Toochinda on Unsplash

As a child, my parents told me that if I worked hard enough, I could do anything. Maybe you’ve heard this, too:

“You can be a doctor, an architect, a lawyer, a psychologist . . . You can achieve anything you put your mind to!”

Like so many other parents, mine said this with the best intentions. As did many of my teachers, mentors, family and friends. They were trying to be supportive, and their hearts were full of love.

But, in many ways, this statement was more harmful than helpful.

An Important Caveat:

I recognise that I am privileged to say this. Not everyone has parents and mentors who are so supportive, or who can afford their children so many opportunities and freedoms.

My message is simple: the phrase “you can do whatever you put your mind to” isn't as supportive as many parents think it is.

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A Generational Problem

The emergence of “you can do anything you put your mind to!” can be traced back almost a hundred years. Surviving the widespread unemployment and economic unrest of the Great Depression, our great-grandparents — the "Silent Generation" (1925–1945) — learned to value stability and resourcefulness.

This mindset was passed onto their children—the "Baby Boomers" (1946–1964)—who were taught to enter the workforce, get a stable job, and earn a living, so they didn’t have to struggle as their parents did.

In the 1950s, remote work was almost unheard of. The internet didn't exist. Work-life balance was easier to maintain. And with a lack of flexible or extravagant working options, a stable job was desirable.

Enter Generation X. The free-love, hippy, rock-and-roll counterculture of the 1960s-70s disrupted this narrative. No longer directly impacted by the mindset and trauma experienced by their parents and grandparents, values began to shift. Being stuck in a boring but stable 9–5 suddenly didn’t seem so peachy.

Not wanting to repeat the same “mistakes” their parents did forcing them into stable jobs, Generation X was—and is—much more encouraging of today’s up-and-coming workforce.

Insert “you can do whatever you put your mind to!” here.

I get it, they were just being kind. But giving a child infinite options is just as unhelpful as forcing a child into a singular occupation. In fact, it’s often more unhelpful, because infinite options lead to choice paralysis.

What’s the Big Deal Anyway?

While having infinite choices seems wonderful on the surface, giving a child infinite options can lead to unnecessary stress, choice-paralysis and have long-term impacts on identity and life enjoyment. Here’s what I mean:

1. It can be misleading

Telling your child that they can “do anything” is overwhelming. With little real-world experience or self-awareness, it’s unwise to give a 17-year-old free range of the job market.

Googling ‘what does a lawyer do?’ or watching NBC’s Suits will paint a radically different picture than the day-to-day realities of the legal profession.

And with specific grades required to enter most university courses, the “do anything” narrative can put pressure on teenagers to achieve unnecessary academic success, under the guise of "keeping their options open". This pressure can even cause mental health issues or even suicide in extreme cases.

This can all be avoided if a child has a goal in mind; a place to direct their energies, healthily, rather than a "do anything" mindset.

2. It perpetuates mainstream definitions of success

Telling a child that they can “do anything” perpetuates hierarchies inherent to the job market, and mainstream—often toxic—definitions of success.

Notice how the “You can achieve anything you put your mind to!” quote above excludes listing artist, actress, florist, singer, nanny, cleaner, or any of the other creative and/or service-based industry jobs that often attract a lower pay-check and less stability.

The “do anything” narrative, while free and encouraging on its surface, often perpetuates a job hierarchy.

Granted, few parents hope for their children to become starving artists. It is good and generous to desire your child to be financially stable. But at what cost?

While some children—often artistic types—will consciously sacrifice “mainstream success” to do what they love, many children don’t have that drive or desire.

The vast majority of young people simply adopt the hierarchy narrative. They’ll strive for the high pay-check and status-boosting career options, often without a second thought.

It is these young people I worry about. These are the people who will wake up on their 45th birthday and realise that they’ve climbed to the top of the corporate ladder and that there’s nothing else for them.

With more life experience and self-awareness under their belt than they had at 17, they’ll do some soul-searching and realise that they should have been a singer all along . . . but often by now, it’s too late.

Why do I know this? Because it’s happening as we speak.

3. It’s possibly a cause of "the great resignation" and "quiet quitting"

Over the past two years, media platforms have publicised "The Great Resignation", and the "Quiet Quitting" movement.

Regardless of what they call it, one thing is clear: mild disruptions to everyday routine have made people realise they are not happy at work. A change in scenery, pace and societal narratives have caused many workers to reassess their values and priorities.

I believe one cause of this social adjustment is the “do anything” mentality.

And I reckon the whole thing could have been avoided with a change of narrative.

So what should we tell our kids instead?

Two words: know thyself.

It’s simple, really. But being so caught up in the frenetic pace of life, it’s a step we so often forget.

Instead of giving our children infinite options, we need to take the time to help them get to know themselves.

This goes for you, too.

What do you like and dislike? What are your tendencies, desires and values? Often this requires getting to know your inner child — the identity you had before unconsciously adopting society’s expectations and narratives.

Here’s a simple checklist to help you:

1. What Am I Good At? This requires asking what you are naturally good at, or find easy. Are you creatively minded, or analytical? What subjects did you excel at in school? What hobby or activity causes you to enter the flow state? Make a list, and check it twice!

2. What is My Personality Type? If you’re a loud and outgoing person, don't become a librarian (shhh!). And if you’re quiet or shy, perhaps being a television reporter isn't for you. Getting to know your personality tendencies is crucial to enjoying your work, or knowing what environment will suit you best. This is my favourite personality test, but for a more psychologically-validated test, you can take the Big Five.

3. What Do I Value? This requires not only asking what causes you are passionate about (the environment, sex trafficking, LGBTQ+ rights etc), but also what drives and motivates you. Taking a Personal Values Assessment can help with this, as can this podcast episode: 4. What Lifestyle Do I Want to Lead? How important is flexibility to you? When do you want to have kids? Do you want to travel for work, or are you more of a homebody? Do you want that mansion in the Hamptons, or are you content with your cozy, one-bedroom apartment? Knowing this can be particularly helpful, especially if you have multiple competing talents and interests.

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While it's an incredibly generous and brave thing to give your child—or yourself—permission to pursue any career option they wish, it's important to do it wisely.

In providing such freedoms, we also need to provide the necessary tools to navigate that vast expanse.

Sitting down with your child (or, again, yourself) and asking them the right questions from an early age can be a huge advantage, and give them the tools they need to get ahead, stay passionate about their job and find alignment in all they do.

Let’s stop the “you can do

anything you put your mind to!” narrative and start saying, “Hey, let’s sit down and help you figure out what job—any job—might best suit you one day!”

Until next time,